MoreChristmasmovies should be rated R. As comedianJim Gaffiganpointed out in one of his comedy bits, Christmas behavior is insane and absolutely warrants r-rated storytelling. You put a tree in your house and put lights on the outside. It’s also a holiday that was taken from the pagan celebration of the winter solstice and turned into Jesus' birthday. And to be extra cynical, it’s a date intended to fuel consumerism and materialism. But none of that matters if you only use it as an opportunity to gather around with loved ones, and have a good time. Classic movies likeIt’s a Wonderful Life,Miracle on 34th Street, andA Christmas Storyare fun for the whole family, but just because it’s Christmas doesn’t mean everything we watch can only be kid-friendly.
Here are seven flicks full of naughty language and gleeful violence that should bring you R-rated joy and laughter on the jolliest day of the year.
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Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang (2005)
Of the movies on this list,Kiss Kiss, Bang Bangis the only one that doesn’t really qualify as a Christmas movie, but I love it to death, so I’m including it. It takes more than a Christmastime setting to make something a Christmas movie, but the setting does serve a purpose inShane Black’s directorial debut. The noir-comedy blend receives a boost from its colorful visuals, which help the movie stand apart from other L.A.-based crime flicks. It may not have the Christmas spirit, but it does have creepy candy-cane models, so don’t argue. -Matt Goldberg
Lethal Weapon (1987)
Black also brought Christmas festivities to his script for the 1987 action classic,Lethal Weapon. One of thebest action movies of the 1980s,Lethal Weaponand the remaining three movies on this list all share a common theme, which is the reunification of family. Deconstructed, Christmas is absurd, but despite the absurdity, it’s still tremendously sad when celebrated alone. That’s what Riggs (Mel Gibson) is facing, and while it’s not enough on its own to warrant thoughts of suicide, it inflates the loneliness and emptiness he’s been living with since the death of his wife. He had a family, and it was taken from him. Murtaugh (Danny Glover) unintentionally brings Riggs a new family, and that’s particularly clear with how quickly Murtaugh’s family warms to his new partner. There may be a fight to the death withGary Buseyin the Murtaughs' home, but it’s a home that will welcome Riggs with open arms. -Matt Goldberg
Die Hard (1988)
John McClane’s (Bruce Willis) wife isn’t dead, but he’s just as alone as Riggs whenDie Hardbegins. He’s not only separated from his wife, but also from his kids, and they’re on the opposite side of the country. He could have come in at any time of the year, but Christmas is the time for family, and McClane is trying to put his back together. Additionally, it’s a traditional family value forcing its way into a place where employees snort coke and have sex in empty offices. The fun part ofDie Hardis how the movie, like the following two entries, is subverting Christmas for comic effect. Remove Christmas from the picture, and you lose the dark comedy of “Now I Have a Machine Gun Ho Ho Ho” and McClane strapping a gun to his back with “Seasons Greetings” tape. It’s not Christmas withoutDie Hardand it’s notDie Hardwithout Christmas. -Matt Goldberg
The Ref (1994)
The families inLethal WeaponandDie Hardhave been separated by either death or distance, but the Chasseurs would do anything to be apart. Their Christmas family gathering is already a shame since Lloyd (Kevin Spacey) and Caroline (Judy Davis) have decided to get a divorce, and their delinquent son Jesse (Robert J. Steinmiller Jr.) is squirreled away at military school. It’s only through the pretense of a happy family, which Lloyd and Caroline must perform at the demand of their kidnapper Gus (Denis Leary), that the couple finds their way back to true happiness. It’s certainly fun to watch Lloyd and Caroline bicker, and as their nephew John (Phillip Nicoll) says, “Their fights are bitchin!”, but his mother (Christine Baranski) scolds him by saying, “Don’t make me nuts today! It’s Christmas!” If we’re going to get all mushy with Christmas, then the holiday is supposed to emotionally bring people together to have an honestly good time. Otherwise it’s just a bunch of people in a room giving each other stuff. With a hard edge, excellent comic timing, and the bravery to tackle some serious drama,The Refshows the annual holiday gathering can be something more than just tolerating others because it’s December 25th. -Matt Goldberg
By far the crassest film on the list,Bad Santais also the sweetest and most insightful (leave it to the JewishCoen Brothers, who did heavy rewrites on the script, to find the meaning of Christmas). The movie is unapologetically mean-spirited in its comedy, andBilly Bob Thorntonshould be lauded for throwing himself head-first into his character’s depravity. There’s no twinkle in the eye or hint of a good heart. DirectorTerry Zwigoffmakes sure every ounce of sentiment is earned. Willie is absolutely horrible to everyone, and the people who make him better—The Kid (Brett Kelly) and the hot bartender Sue (Lauren Graham)—accept him for who he is rather than condemn him for who’s not. Santa is supposed to have a lovable exterior, but it’s the guy beneath the cheap beard and red suit who matters.
Every kid who comes across Willie’s lap is requesting a present from a stranger (again, Christmas is weird). They’re a pint-sized reflection of cheap desire with minimal amount of effort. The Kid says he wants a pink elephant, but what he really wants is a makeshift family, and that’s what Willie needs. No one else wants to tolerate his bullshit, but family at its best is willing to weather a loved one’s anger and scorn. Willie doesn’t “deserve” to be redeemed, but Christmas shouldn’t be about deserving. Those kids don’t deserve presents just because they sat on a stranger’s lap and asked for something. The best gift can’t be bought, and the best gift is something that lasts. Christmas gives Willie a family and the family makes him a better person. Willie is still crass, cynical, and sardonic at the end of the movie, but he gets some humanity that will last after the lights go back in the house and the tree is kicked to the curb. -Matt Goldberg
Eyes Wide Shut (1999)
If you’ve ever felt apprehensive during the holiday season,Stanley Kubrick’s anxiety-inducing holiday classic is the festival favorite for you. Kubrick weaponizes imagery of a New York City Christmas season to show how paranoia can turn toxic men into obsessive conspiracy theorists.Tom Cruisegives one of his most unique performancesas Dr. Bill Harper, a successful surgeon who begins investigating a mysterious secret society after he begins fearing his wife’s (Nicole Kidman) infidelity.
Kubrick does a great job at making the most joyful of holiday songs seem depressing and haunting. It’s both an assault on consumerism and a somewhat amusing dark comedy about the lengths that people will go to attain a certain status. It was sadly Kubrick’s final film, as he passed away shortly before the film’s release. -Liam Gaughan
The Ice Harvest (2005)
WhileHarold Ramisis known for his comedy classicsCaddyshack, Vacation, andGroundhog Day,The Ice Harvestpushed his sense of humor to a darker level. Essentially a neo-noir about miserable, selfish people stuck together during a cold Christmas Eve,The Ice Harvestfollows the mob lawyer Charlie Arglist (John Cusack) as he attempts to steal money from his employer to give himself a holiday treat. Of course, things get more complicated when the characters played by Billy Bob Thornton,Connie Nielsen, Randy Quaid, Oliver Platt,andMike Starrshow up.
If you’re sick of heartwarming holiday movies,The Ice Stormembodies anyone who holds on to their “bah humbug” spirit. Cusack brings out the sarcastic, self-hating nature of a career criminal that doesn’t have any reason to be joyful. It’s a delightfully twisted collection of character actors that lets each of the stars chew the scenery. -Liam Gaughan
Liam Gaughan also contributed to this article.
