Jason Vorhees, the undeniable king of violent physical comedy, has killed a number of people since his first murderous outing in 1981’sFriday the 13th Part 2. He’s a homicidal harlequin, and I have enjoyed his antics ever since I was old enough to cause my 2nd grade teacher to request a meeting with my parents.
Over the decades, theFriday the 13thfranchise has provided Jason with a number of opportunities to kill the absolute shit out of his victims in delightfully inventive ways. To celebrate A) Halloween, B) the 40th anniversary of the originalFriday the 13th, and C) the release of Scream Factory’s incredibleFriday the 13thbox set, I have compiled a complete list of every single Jason Vorhees kill in the Friday series, ranking each one according to bodacity, brutality, and general awesomeness. Please note that I have omitted the two films in which Jason did not appear (Part 1 and Part 5), as well as any deaths that were not directly caused by Jason. You are free to disagree with my rankings, but please be aware that you are wrong.
Jason, possessing the body of the drunkest man at your high school reunion, smashes Elderly Lady Cop’s head open against a locker. Meh.
136. Offscreen Scream
Mrs. Jarvis gets surprised by a mischievous Jason and dies offscreen. This was gearing towards the film’s original ending, in which the heroine would find her mom in the bathtub and Jason would come back to life and attack her.
135. Weenie Paintball Man Destruction
Weenie paintball guy heroically fires a warning pellet into Jason’s chest, and then scurries off into the underbrush to die offscreen. The Sheriff later finds his severed arm and leg and nothing else. I assume Jason ate the rest of him.
134. Hot Girl Terry
Hot Girl Terry comes to the aid of King Sex Pest only to discover he has been macheted into the next world. She turns and screams into the camera, which in this scene is playing the role of Jason’s face, and then dies offscreen.
133. Drunk Axe
After spending all of his meager screen time mugging drunkenly into the camera, the crazy alcoholic crewman gets an axe in his back offscreen.
132. Captain Throat Slash
The captain gets his throat slashed. Simple. Elegant. Classic Jason.
131. Jason Kills Stone Cold
Jason smashes some Stone Cold Steve Austin looking motherfucker into the wall until his head splits open. In his defense, this is Jason’s version of giving someone a “hell yeah.”
130. Neck Stab
Broke down car girl Jane gets stabbed in the back and then staked through the throat to a tree. Nothing fancy, but it’s the first kill in the movie. This is Jason limbering up, he doesn’t want to blow his quads later when he gorilla-presses a star athlete onto a flagpole.
129. Door Jam
Jason throws a general through a steel door hard enough to take it off its hinges. He then uses this distraction to somehow teleport behind the woman in the next room. He must’ve run a quick lap around the entire building just for the sake of dramatic tension. Jason is a theater kid, confirmed.
Nameless Army Dude gets hung by a chain offscreen. The others discover him with a sheet over his head in the restraints Jason was being kept in. Jason loves his pranks. He always manages to find a way to have a good time.
