Most of the foundations that America was built on need to be drastically changed if not outright abolished, but there is one pillar that remains vital as ever: Reality competition TV shows in which people comically launch themselves onto styrofoam objects for our amusement. There is nothing more American than the sight of a middle-aged suburban father leaping six feet on to a fake rock, shattering his rib cage while abwoinggggg-oing-oing-oingsound effect plays in the background. It’s a core tenant that most of us were raised on. Before I could even walk, I dreamed of the Aggro Crag. In these dark, uncertain times, in which most of America is either hunkered down inside or taking to the streets to protest injustice, Netflix realized we needed to return to our principal values and watch complete strangers severely injure themselves whilst competing for an arbitrary amount of money and maybe a trophy the production staff found at Michael’s arts and crafts. The streamer deliveredFloor Is Lava, one of the stupidest things you will ever see in your life. I devoured all ten episodes like sweet candy and it momentarily erased my anxiety, like hot magma consuming the shrubbery caught in its path.
“Floor Is Lava sounds like the name of a game I used to play back when I was basically a literal baby” you might be thinking and dear genius reader, I’m happy to report you’re correct. That’s it. That’s the game. Netflix built several rooms filled with over-large everyday items and contestants must reach the other side of the room without touching the “lava.” In this case, the “lava” is a swimming pool lit with red light. Occasionally, someone in the back will hit a button and the “lava” will bubble up, spraying contestants in the face. It’s never not funny. Whoever hits that button currently has my dream job.
But the thing that I must stress with every fiber of my being is thatFloor Is Lavapretends the lava is real. When someone falls into the lava they just slowly sink beneath the surface like goddamnArnold SchwarzeneggerinT2and aren’t heard from again because in the world ofFloor Is Lavathey aredeadand you watched themdieon Netflix next to unwatched episodes of Anne with an E. It’s a glorious pantomime and everyone’s playing along. Inside the first ten minutes of the premiere episode, a contestant launches herself into the lava and her teammate screams like she’s Frodo watching Gandalf plunge to the depths of Khazad-Dum.
Floor Is Lavahits four key quadrants that make it both a perfect Netflix show and a perfect physical reality show with strong 1995 Nickelodeon vibes:
Since COVID first shut down Hollywood and forced most major cities into lockdown, I’ve tried and failed to start about one dozen TV binges. It took a few weeks to realize that there’s just too much external stimuli to fit another emotional trigger in my head without adding anxiety along with it. Then cameFloor Is Lava, the show in which people bunny hop between chiffoniers to avoid pool water we are told will dissolve their flesh. Plenty of room for that bad boy in an anxious brain.
