Spider-Man 2, considered by many important critics such as myself to be one of the best superhero movies ever made, released in theaters 16 years ago this week. The early 2000s hype train that was theSpider-Manfilm franchise was in full swing at that point, and it did not diminish three years later whenSpider-Man 3hit theaters and concluded the trilogy, earning nearly $1 billion in ticket sales despite being an incredibly stupid movie.
SinceSpider-Man 2’s release in June of 2004, the franchise has seen 5 movies and two full-fledged reboots, which is nuts when you think about it. In that time, we’ve seen enough Spider-Man villains on the big screen to field a two-on-two volleyball tournament. To celebrate the anniversary of the wall-crawler’s best live-action outing, I’ve ranked every single live-actionSpider-Manmovie villain from lamest to most bodacious.
17. Alistair Smythe (The Amazing Spider-Man 2)
Alistair Smythe is a mad scientist responsible for creating an army of robots called Spider Slayers, resulting in some of the worst Spider-Man comics of the 1990s. Appropriately, the character appears inThe Amazing Spider-Man 2, easily the worstSpider-Manmovie of literally any decade. Smythe is played byB.J. Novakand reinterpreted as Electro’s shitty boss at Oscorp, where he does not build a single Spider Slayer. I can’t decide if that’s a good thing or a bad thing.
16. New Goblin (Spider-Man 3)
As disappointing asSpider-Man 3was, easily the most disappointing aspect was the payoff to Harry Osborne’s three-film arc. Harry should’ve been the sole villain of this outing, which was clearly the ending that the first two films were building up to, but every aspect of his character gets so bungled that directorSam Raimihad to literally give him amnesia in the first 20 minutes to totally reset him and make room for some sweaty-ass storyline about the Sandman. That said, the portion of the film in which Harry regains his memory and exacts his revenge on Peter is the best part of the film, punctuated by an indelibly smugJames Francochowing down on a piece of pie.
15. The Lizard (The Amazing Spider-Man)
The Lizard is a villain that has deep personal connections to Peter Parker in every interpretation of the character, but he also looks like an absolute asshole. Seriously, he looks like the GEICO gecko got bit byTelly Savalasand transformed into a mascot for a minor league baseball team. It’s impossible to takeThe Amazing Spider-Man’s version of the Lizard seriously, so I refuse to try. He looks like I should bonk his head with a rubber mallet at a carnival for some prize tickets. He looks like the Minions made a blood sacrifice to the Florida Gators. He looks like the G.I. Joe action figure your grandmother bought you by mistake. He’s the cinematic equivalent of a screen-accurate costume ofWalter Matthau’s character from JFK – an impressive example of a colossal waste of time. I want to slap him every time he appears onscreen because his presence is offensive to me.
14. Sandman (Spider-Man 3)
Boy, Sandman should’ve been way cooler than this. Another one of Spidey’s oldest villains, small-time thug Flint Marko tumbles into some kind of 1960s science bullshit and gains the power of sand, allowing him to change his body shape and size at will. He’s basically the T-1000, if the T-1000 was made entirely of dirty playground sediment.Thomas Haden Churchcame right off of his Oscar nom intoSpider-Man 3and gets thoroughly wasted in a convoluted storyline that retroactively makes him Uncle Ben’s killer, except it was an accident you guys, he was only trying to get money for his sick daughter, who is afflicted with Chronic Plot Device. Sandman could be a visually interesting character, but really all we get to see him do is transform into a gigantic sand hulk that apparently costs him the power of speech, because he just grunts monosyllabically as he very slowly tries to crush the webslinger. At the end, Sandman shares a good cry with Peter before turning to sand and floating away on the wind like Mary Poppins. I won’t mince words here, folks - it is extremely whack.
13. The Tinkerer (Spider-Man: Homecoming)
The Tinkerer is a sort of “blink and you miss it” entry, because you’d probably never realize he’s inSpider-Man: Homecomingunless you paid close attention to the end credits and have an encyclopedic index of the alter-egos of C-list Spidey villains. Phineas Mason (played byOrange is the New Black’sMichael Chernus) is a member of Adrian Toomes’ crew, appropriately tinkering with all the stolen alien equipment to develop bitchin’ new tech. The Tinkerer isn’t a particularly great villain, but Homecoming’s interpretation of him is an interesting and organic way to work him into a believable storyline in the MCU. I honestly wouldn’t mind seeing Mason come back in a future film alongside Toomes and the Shocker (hopefully in that Sinister Six film Sony has been trying to pull off since 2014).
12. Shocker (Spider-Man: Homecoming)
The Shocker is technically played by two different actors inSpider-Man: Homecoming–Logan Marshall GreenAKATom Hardy’s life model decoy, andBokeem Woodbine. That said, Woodbine actually plays Herman Shultz, who is the Shocker in the Spider-Man comics. Shocker isn’t that exciting of a villain, but Woodbine is always watchable, and he has a decent fight scene in which he uses his force gauntlets to bash the webslinger into a few school buses. To be brutally honest, this is the best version of the character we’re likely to get, and it’s pretty darn good.
11. Electro (The Amazing Spider-Man 2)
A true exercise in wasting both a great character and a great actor,Jamie Foxxplayed a baffling reimaging of Electro, one of Spider-Man’s oldest villains, inThe Amazing Spider-Man 2. Granted, you absolutely couldn’t have portrayed Electro exactly as he appears in the comic, because he looks like a giant sunflower dressed like an alternate on the Jamaican bobsled team fromCool Runnings, but I’m certain the answer was not to turn him into Dr. Manhattan with a Bluetooth earpiece fused to his cranium. That said, Foxx’s hairpiece as Electro’s alter-ego, the nerdy Max Dillion, deserves its own spinoff film.
10. Rhino (The Amazing Spider-Man 2)
Rhino is a muscle-bound goon trapped in an indestructible bodysuit inexplicably designed to make him look like a man-rhino, so the decision to castPaul Giamattiin this role was nothing short of bold artistic vision. The Oscar-nominated actor briefly appears as a lowlife Russian gangster who is granted a gigantic mechanical rhino zord at the end ofThe Amazing Spider-Man 2, and honestly, it’s about as good a cinematic interpretation of this character as we’re ever going to get. And Giamatti with a barb wire skull tattoo is pretty flippin’ great.
9. Green Goblin (Harry Obsorne/The Amazing Spider-Man 2)
No less than the third version of the Green Goblin we’ve seen so far, I am prepared to Fight Online™ over the fact thatDane DeHaan’s performance as Harry Osborne is far superior to James Franco’s. WhileThe Amazing Spider-Man 2is far from a good movie, the storyline it explores with Harry gives him considerable pathos and an understandable hatred for Peter, a friend that refuses to give Harry his delicious blood to possibly develop a cure for Harry’s untreatable illness. Also, as much as I hated seeingEmma Stone’s Gwen Stacy get tossed in the fridge, the tiny nerd inside of me did a respectful somersault at seeing The Amazing Spider-Man issue #121 brought to life. DeHaan plays a good villain, and I wish we would’ve got to see him return for another film.
8. Venom (Spider-Man 3)
Topher Grace’s portrayal of Venom is still a point of controversy among Spider-Man fans, because geeks never get tired of talking about how much they hate their favorite things. And while I acknowledge thatSpider-Man 3’s interpretation of the character is a far cry from how he appears in the comics, I actually really enjoy Grace’s performance. He’s a smug, sleezy version of Peter, and the two get caught in a game of oneupsmanship trying to dick each other over. Of course, once he gets the alien suit, it kind of falls apart – in one of the film’s most absurd scenes, Venom is just randomly swinging around New York City until he literally bumps into Sandman and devises a hasty team-up. And the “otherworldly” shriek he emits is, to put it gently, fucking stupid. But I like the visual design of the character when the costume peels back to reveal Grace’s face – the way the tendrils pull at his skin looks agonizingly painful, a concept that pairs well with his wild-eyed frenzy and literal shark teeth.Spider-Man 3just had too many characters, so Venom gets relegated to a brief action scene in the final 20 minutes.
